so its been 2 years since my last confession ,um journal entry a lot has happened since then. gf moved in with me in my apt in austin,i bought a house and am now living there (still with the same gf)hard to believe its been 4 years since we met. seems like it was yesterday and forever at the same time. i seem to be becoming a recluse. not sure if its a bad thing or not. i just don't want us to turn into the the crazy couple that yells at kids to "get the hell out of my yard". i do need to make some friends though. someone to share with other than my gf. not that she isn't great but when we disagree or argue i have nowhere and no one to turn to. most of the people i still call my friends live over an hour away and i haven't really kept in touch. its my own fault so i hope this doesn't come off as complaining about it, i just don't know what to do about it.
i'll make an effort to write here more often...no really i will....seriously (once a year would be more often)

I remember in school having a clique and always seeming to have friends. Even as weird as I was there was someone around that I could talk to or just hang with. As I got older, left school and entered the workforce the clique seemed to shrink considerably but it was still there. There was usually someone to share your experiences with, hang out, have fun. Now its seems the clique has shrunk to 2. I guess I'm really lucky to have a girlfriend that is also my best friend. We can talk and share alot of the same interests. I have a couple of close friends that seem to be drifting away because of geographical distance since I moved to Austin but no one seems to be filling the void their leaving behind. Is this all just a part of getting older? Am I to weird now to make new friends? Do I spend to much time with my girlfriend and just need to get out more? Just wondering. more later.......

i checked the site and realized it had been almost a year since i made a journal entry or posted anything new.
the year went by really fast...still with the girl i was talking about in previous posts..lost my house and relocated to austin....and just kinda stopped everything else.
i'm goint to spend the next week or so reading all the stuff i missed here, check all the new deviations and think about what i'm going to do here from now on
o and to anyone coming here from the heatwave i'll be posting those on the 25th of july

thats my mood.
sisters evacuated from galveston/dickenson staying with mom. no worries there. other than i'm now expected to go pay a visit. might get my girlfriend to go with. so i'm cool
things are going great with my girlfriend. yep girlfriend. she said it first. so i'm cool.
work staying the same. stupid people that dont know they're stupid argueing that they know what they're doing. had to reassure someone 3 times that you need a wireless card to connect wirelessly. but it could be worse...so i'm cool
life in general...i'm cool

so i went to far. who knew? i'm having to backup. feels weird. hurts. i'll live thru. always do.
why do i do these things to myself. i tell myself not to then do it anyway. i wish i would listen sometimes. i want to dissappear for 6 months, reappear and start over. i don't think it would make a difference. patience...wish i had more.
i'm alone again. my roommate won't speak to me. need to watch what i'm saying. something meant as a joke wasn't taken that way. never thought i could fell worse than living alone until now. living with someone that won't speak to you is worse.
the girl i met is still around. didn't quite scare her off, yet, i seem to still be working on that. i knew she wasn't ready when i went and i keep asking for more than she can give. i wish i would listen to myself. she's still the coolest person i think i've ever met. she helped me to open up a part of me thats been shut off for a very long time. feels weird. hurts. i'll live thru. always do.

i just hope they both can forgive me. be patient with me.

thinking of my daughters more lately. i miss them so much. i fucked up so bad when i didn't fight for them. in my entire life that is the one thing i truly regret. maybe they will understand someday.

and then there's my wife. soon to be ex. filing the paperwork next week. divorce. god i'm such a loser. i wish i could start again. not with this wife. but the first. i wont say i wouldn't do it again because my daughters are the best thing to ever happened to me and i wouldn't trade that for the world. but i would make it work. somehow. no i couldn't then and can't now. serenity to accept the things i cannot change. funny how those words come back to haunt me.

someone posted recently in their journal about people googleing "i am lonely"...made me think. so many people. how can we all feel so alone. still working on that one. if you figure it out let me and the rest of the world in on it.

anyway, thanks for listening